While Laying On My Husband's Chest.....

So I've been sitting here for the last ten minutes trying to decide if I felt like writing this morning. I mean.. I always feel like writing, but I have so much to do today, and I know that I am generally long winded, so I wasn't sure if I should embark on another self absorbed.. attention whoring.. blah blah blah session. Of course the pull was too great.. and so here I am.

I'm laying in bed right now. I feel so incredibly lazy! Its 1115 and I'm still in my jammies all snuggled up in my wonderfully cozy bed, I have my coffee (that my oldest daughter made for me and Doug and brought us in bed), my computer is resting against the growing little critter in my tummy, and it seems to me that there is no reason on earth that I should get up. Doug has the next few days off, the kids are all home for the week and its simply perfect.

Doug and I were laying in bed a little bit ago, (since I'm still trying to be goodkate I am not going to mention what we may or may not have been doing right before this conversation began) but I was laying on my husband's chest while he played with my hair and gently tickled my back and shoulder.. every now and then tracing the line of my jaw, or the bridge of my nose with his fingers... mmmm.. his hands, that make me feel so small and fragile. I love his hands. Anyway.. we were talking about what we were doing this time last year. And it was all so different.

Last November, he was preparing to get out of the Army. He lived at Ft Lewis, and I lived in Portland. It's about a two hour drive, and one that we were both very familiar with. He would drive down every weekend, and sometimes during the week. It was all wonderful when he first got back from Iraq.. we were finally able to see each other whenever we wanted to, he was getting to know my girls, and they were falling in love with him. We watched Georgia games, Tessa tormented him with her UT garb, we took a big camping trip, he was getting to know my crazy family.. it was all just as we'd imagined. But.. in the back of both of our minds the sand in the hourglass was getting low. You see.. for about a year we had talked. And talked and talked and talked. We had planned our lives together. Planned how I would be incorporated into his childrens' lives. Planned how we would make ends meet with all these kids. We had talked about it all. And it was so safe, and so perfect.. because it was always so far away. It was as if we were talking about some distant time that we didnt' have to really think about. It was always.. "When I get out and move back to Bremen." But it was so far away. Until it wasn't anymore. And last November.. it was so close. And he was getting worried. And I... knew it. He would be distant when he would come down. He stopped tucking the girls in bed at night when he was down visiting. We stopped talking about our future. I was losing him. And I knew it.

But what do you do? How do you fight a fight.. when you don't even know who the enemy is? I knew that he was worried. I knew that he was overwhelmed. I knew.. that the realities of moving me and my girls to Georgia were scary as hell now that he had to make choice of some sort. I didn't know what to do. I told him that I loved him. And that I wished he would stop worrying so much and just love me. I tried to tell him that things have a way of working out if they are meant to be. He told me he agreed. But the chasm between us was growing. He used to tell me he loved me. And I remember one day, telling him that I felt like he was trying to convince himself that he loved me .. and that's why he was saying it so often. When he couldn't argue against my suspicion.. I knew I'd lost him. I went over the last year in my head. How we'd gone from friends, to lovers, to something deeper, and more than either of us had ever experienced. I KNEW that he felt what I did. I KNEW that it wasn't just me. I KNEW that it was real. And I also knew, that even though we were still technically together.. I had lost him. I knew, that it was only a matter of time before he moved back to Bremen.. and then he would be gone forever.

I stopped fighting the distance between us. I stopped talking about "us" and our future. I stopped myself, every time my heart ached and I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that he was ruining the most perfect thing he'd ever had. We went through the last few days he was there almost mechanically. We still acted the same.. we pretended like we were going to make it work past his move. His last night in Portland with me, we stayed at a beautiful hotel in historic downtown. I remember, as I fell asleep that night.. laying on him just the same as I lay on him this morning. I asked him.. right before I fell asleep, to tell me that everything was okay. That we were going to make it. He told me of course we were.. and assured me that in two weeks, I would be visiting him in Bremen. My heart sank as I realized for the first time in our time together that Doug had lied to me. We both knew it. And so I nuzzled into his thick chest savoring the comfort of his big arms around me for what we both knew was the last time.

The next day.. as they began their southeastern journey, he and his dad stopped in Portland so that I could meet Paul and we could have lunch one last time. It was a lovely lunch. Paul had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. I was painfully aware that the brush of Doug's leg against my own, the way his hand felt as he rested it on my thigh during the meal, the way he laughed, the way he smelled.. all of it would soon fade. He would be just another memory of another failed relationship. When our meal was over, he walked me back to my car at a parking garage opposite where he and his dad had parked. We were quiet. He was excited, and I knew it, to be headed out on the next leg of his life's journey. He was out of the Army.. he was returning to his beloved Bremen, and his beloved girls. I knew that he was excited. And I was breaking. He sat in my car for a minute. I gave him some Cd's that I'd made for him to listen to on his long drive. (Nothing sappy.. just a whole bunch of great songs.. sheesh.. what do you people take me for?) And then we said goodbye. I snapped a picture of us. And then we kissed as my tears began to well. I knew, that I was letting him go. And I so.. with all of my heart was not ready to. Then, he got out of my car. And walked away. This was December 21st.

We went through the motions on his trip home. He called when he had to, and answered the phone when I'd call. But the conversation was empty. He made it to Georgia.. and as he neared exit 11, he called me. It was late at night, and I answered a little bit sleepy. He said "Babydawl, I'm about to drive into Bremen.. and I wanted you to be on the phone with me when I did." My heart fluttered just a little bit. We were always so cheesy with each other. He got home. And we hung up. It was Christmas Eve Day.

We talked twice after that. And then.. on the day after Christmas, we got on the phone. He had been gone all day and I'd not been able to reach him. He finally called back and told me he'd been out with Ray and Chad. I knew.. what he wanted. And I knew.. that more than that.. he didn't want to hurt me. And so, I gave him an out. I told him.. that I thought that maybe he needed some time to settle in Bremen. That maybe he needed some time to tend to his relationships with his friends and family that had suffered over the years that he'd been gone. I told him that I thought I was keeping him from doing what he wanted to be doing.. and I didn't want us to begin to resent each other. I didn't want for things to get ugly.. they had always been so perfect. I hoped, desperately, that he would tell me I was crazy.. that he loved me more than he ever had and that he could never see me as a hindrance. I heard silence on the line. And finally he said "Babe, I think you might be right." "Okay." I said as the tears welled. "I love you Doug." "God, I'm so sorry." was the reply. He told me he had always loved me. And that he wouldn't stop. I knew.. that couldn't be true. And so.. I said goodbye.

I went into the bathroom as I hung up the phone.. my house was full of family and little girls. I barely made it. As soon as the door closed, my knees crumpled. I surrendered to the most pathetic crying fit I have ever allowed myself. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Like I hadn't cried since I was a little girl. I was broken. And the one person that I had believed would never hurt me had broken me. I hated him. And I loved him. And I missed him so damn much. I prayed. I asked God Why? Why had he given me this man, given me this comfort and this peace that I had found in him, the most unselfish love I had ever experienced. Why had he given me this.. only to take it away. I asked him if it was right. If I had just made a mistake in letting him go so easily, or if I should call him back.. and fight for this. My answer came.. in the most peaceful feeling. The warmth that washed over me was the same that I had felt at other times in my life when I had given up control completely and asked Him to take over. Yes. This was right. And no, there was nothing for me to do. I didn't understand it. But I was immediately calm. I dried my eyes, composed myself, and went out to hug my babies. Somehow.. this was right. Somehow.. it was all going to be okay.