Autumn Musings...

So I'm assuming by "note" they mean blog. This just being facebook's way of further separating themselves from other social networking sites. Right? Okey dokey.. so we'll call it a "note". Wink facebook.

For those who were "friends" with me before I had the mother of all temper tantrums and deleted my myspace, to include my entire written history with Doug and years worth of insanely clever blogs, I'm sure you are all breathing a collective sigh of relief. And maybe a few uncertain flinches. "Ahhh.. she's taken to the keyboard again." I'm going to give it a shot. But it doesn't really feel the same. I liked my cozy little myspace spot that I had made and have kicked myself a few times for my short sightedness in banishing it to the darkest depths of the cyberlandfill. Really, I just need to get control of my temper. But that's another story entirely.


Anyway, as I sit down to write for the first time in a very long time.. I find myself reflecting on the last couple of years. Autumn, for whatever reason always finds me in a bit of a reflective mood..Maybe it's the impending end of yet another year. Maybe it's the notable change in the way things look outside. I don't really know.. but this year is no different. The Holidays are approaching and as I look around and see everyone preparing I can't help but get a little bit nostalgic, and feel a little bit alone.

I have lived all over this country and have spent more Holidays away from family than I have with family. But for some reason.. this is different. In fact, this whole experience has been different. Perhaps I should back track.

(Que Star Wars Theme..)

A long time ago.. In a state far, far away....

I was just reeling from the loss of my marriage. Granted I had ended it, but that doesn't make it any easier to see the only life that you've known as an adult slip away until finally there is nothing left to salvage and you are left with two choices. I knew, that I could either accept my husband's infidelity (since after eight years it didn't show any sign of easing) and be one of THOSE women (Val who?) who choose to put on a happy face and turn a blind eye to their husbands extra curricular activities, or divorce him. It seems like it should be an easy choice.. and it is easy for someone from the outside looking in to ponder why it was even a choice at all. "Hello?? Cheating dirtbag... Leave his ass!" But it's never that easy.

Chris and I had spent our entire youth together. I met him when I was fifteen and we started dating when I was seventeen. We had the greatest time together.. and got along so well. He was very good to me, and after the insanity I had put myself through in my early youth.. he was my savior. So when he came to my work a couple of weeks before he left for Basic, and got down on his knee to ask me to accompany him on the adventure that he was about to embark on.. I didn't hesitate for a moment. We were young and in love, and had the whole world at our fingertips. We got married and then moved to Kentucky. And life, although hard on a Private's pay, was good. We had the "perfect" marriage and were the envy of all our friends. We had our first daughter.. he made rank.. and life was good.

And then Korea.

Really, our story should have ended there. It would have saved so many people so much heartache. But, we decided to stick around and beat each other to death for a few more years. More babies, more deployments, more affairs. He was the perfect husband at home. Attentive, fun, kind.... But the second he would leave our home, he was a different person. He always told me about his latest slip up when he would get home. And for many years I just forgave. Marriage, after all means forever. Although I was young I did not take my vows lightly. In my mind.. divorce was simply not an option. And so I stayed. And stayed and stayed and stayed. And then he went to Iraq again. I was in Hawaii.. alone without anyone close to me. My family was on the west coast, and all my friends had gone back to the mainland for the deployment. I was prepared to play the loyal wife for yet another year alone when I got an email. Another one. From another woman who had met my husband and fallen for him. I don't know what it was that made this time so much different, but it was.. the proverbial straw. Perhaps I was just tired. I had a five year old, a two year old, and one year old twins. And I just didn't have it in me to fight this fight again. And so I moved back to Oregon. I found a house a good distance from my parents..because although I love them.. they were the LAST thing I needed at the time.

And so there I was.. the Star Wars theme blaring in the background.. trying to decide what to do with myself. .. if I was REALLY willing to throw away all that I had worked so hard to make. The life that I had built for my babies. Was I being selfish? Was it fair to leave my girls without a Daddy.. to be the one to make the call that our family would be no more.. just because I was unhappy? The answer came.. in the oddest of places.

(Enter Doug)

As I sat on my couch one night..in front of the most lovely stone hearth fireplace... I found myself at the bottom of yet another bottle. I had never been one to drink hard alcohol.. but for some reason my move back to Portland brought with it many many changes. As I look back now, I realize there was a real problem. And my mother's looks of concern (with just a liiiiitle bit of judgement thrown in) when she would come over and find yet another empty bottle of Bacardi in my cupboard make a little more sense to me now. So anyway.. there I was. ( So there I was...) All my girls were asleep, I was bent, and I signed into myspace. I smiled a bit to myself when I found another email from Lt (now Captain) Hague. I had known him before you see.. a long time ago.. when things were so much different for us both.

I remember the first time I heard his name. My husband called from Iraq (on the first deployment in 2003) and told me that they had a new PL (platoon leader) and that he was the best PL he'd ever had. Lt Hague... he said, "But we all call him Dougy". It struck me a little funny.. not really the way enlisted men generally address their officers. But okay. Then a few weeks later, he sent me a bunch of pictures. One of them was of a handsome young man with a stubborn look about him, a chiseled jawline and sunglasses. This one.. peaked my interest. And so, the next time I talked to my husband.. I teased him a bit asking "Soooo.. who was that guy in the picture you sent me?" Laughter filled the line as he proved how well he knew me. "That.." he said "is The LT. I KNEW you'd like him.. that's why I sent you the pic." We had a good joke about it.. and from then on, poor unsuspecting Lt Hague was referred to between my husband and I as "My Boyfriend". (That's foreshadowing folks..)

The deployment ended and the men all returned. Some, like Doug came home to unfaithful wives and empty bank accounts. The horrors that await so many of the men that return from war make the pain that they endure over their deployments pale in comparison. And for Doug.. that was what life brought him. Some men, like Chris, came home to new babies (Elena was born when he'd been gone for just two months) and families who had stood by them through the year and were joyful at the prospect of picking their lives up again. Doug and Chris came back to very different situations. Doug was like me.. he knew that his marriage was a farce.. But he had taken vows, and even though they were just to make an unplanned pregnancy honorable, they were still his vows. And of course, over the years, he had come to love his wife. So when her infidelity came to light, he tried to make it work anyway. It was a tough time for them both. She wanted out, but knew that he was a good loyal man.. and that she was absolutely crushing him with her continued affairs. What do you do in that situation? I have judged her very harshly for a very long time. After all.. I cannot imagine hurting a man like him. But, I also know how it is to find yourself in a marriage that you never should have been in. I know, that temptation is always there.. and that even a moment of weakness can change everything. As a woman, I can see how it all happened. As the wife of a soldier who deployed many times, I can see how it happened. My anger and judgement has stemmed mostly from a love for Doug. A fiercely protective side of me that damns anyone who hurts those that I love. But I imagine.. that it was very hard for her also. And so, it went back and forth for them. Him trying, but secretly hating her for all that she was doing. Her trying to leave, but not knowing how to without causing further insult and injury to a good man. I don't envy them that time in their lives. And yet, that is where they were when I first met them both.

Doug had arranged for all of the men and their wives to come to a little bar in Lacey, Washington. He foot the bill for the entire night, and it was perfect! Chris and I got a sitter.. and EVERYONE was there. I still clearly remember walking in. I looked to the right, and saw a large group sitting at a table. Chris and I walked over,and I took my seat next to a petite redhead. She had her hair pulled back and tucked into a baseball cap. She had a slender, pretty face and freckles on her nose. Next to her.. sat a man I recognized only from photographs. I sat down next to Katie, and she and I introduced ourselves. My husband then introduced me to her husband. Despite his wife sitting next to him, and my husband next to me, I had the most intense butterflies in my stomach I have experienced since a young girl. We held eye contact for a moment and I turned away as my face began to flush. I had no idea why I would feel that way.. but I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to be feeling. I sat next to Katie for a bit longer, and she and I talked about children and deployments. I learned that they had two little girls just older, and just younger than my oldest. We agreed that we should get them together sometime. After the formalities.. the conversation faded. She and I.. I realized, didn't have anything to talk about. She was focused on school and finding the right career. I was focused on my family. I had always been home with my girls, she had always had hers in daycare while she was pursuing this certificate or that. Everything that I loved about my life, was what she hated about hers. Although pleasant, I excused myself from the table knowing that I would not be pursuing a friendship with her. There was simply nothing there.

I walked up to the bar and ordered another drink while making small talk with a couple of the single soldiers from the Platoon. A few moments later, Doug walked up. I remember so vividly the way he looked. I leaned back on the bar as he and I made small talk waiting for our drinks. He stood in front of me.. slightly closer than he should have. I.. of course.. was wearing a beanie, and he reached up and grabbed it. I remember being taken back a bit when he put it on, and continued talking to me. I glanced over his right shoulder to a dark corner of the bar and smiled at the irony when I found my husband and his wife tucked back there.. also standing too close, and engaged in what appeared to be a very interesting conversation. For whatever reason, I didn't experience the slightest twinge of jealousy as I turned my attention back to Doug. We got our drinks and talked for a few more minutes before he.. the ever ADD attention whore.. excused himself to climb up on a pool table and make an announcement. I don't remember exactly what was said... but its effect was electric as the entire platoon rushed him when he got down and drug him into the men's restroom to introduce his head to the toilet. Yes ladies and gents.. THIS is America's Finest! As I watched the commotion with wide eyes.. my only thought was for my favorite beanie. "It BETTER not get ruined in that nasty toilet!" I recall thinking. If I had known him then like I do now I wouldn't have worried. After a few seconds of shouting and a general ruckus.. out of the bathroom flies Doug straight through the bar and out the front doors into the parking lot. About 4 seconds later 30 men came running after him.

And that.. was my first experience with Doug Hague.

I didn't see, or hear from him again. We moved to Hawaii.. I gave birth to the twins, and Doug Hague was nothing more than a memory of a deployment from years ago. And of course.. was still referred to as "My Boyfriend" should his name ever come up in the recounting of war stories.

I had been introduced to myspace a few months earlier when my little brother insisted that I join. After mocking it for awhile.. I succumbed in what was quite possibly the best decision I ever made. Apparently, EVERYONE was on there! It didn't take long before all of the guys from that first platoon were connected in a tight little circle. I had always played Den Mother of sorts to those men, and was happy to have us all talking regularly. Doug was on there too.. and as I wandered around his page I noted that his status said "single". I thought it rather odd, and sent him an email introducing myself again and wondering if he had simply forgotten to change it from the default. His response came quick. He was about to deploy to Iraq again. Of course he remembered me! And no.. it wasn't a mistake. He had asked his wife to leave and she had recently moved back to Georgia. We continued our small talk. And email here and an email there. Catching up on old friends, and new gossip. One day, I sent him an email telling him that I knew it could get lonely in Iraq and that if he ever needed anyone to talk to, he was more than welcome to call me. I assured him that Chris would not mind as I talked to all of the guys from that Platoon on a regular basis. A few weeks later.. just as I was packing up my life to move back to Portland, my phone rang. I almost didn't answer. The twins had finally gone down for a nap, the house was quiet and I was enjoying a moment alone with my thoughts. But.. for some reason, I picked up. "Kate?" said the unfamiliar voice on the other end. "Yes?" I answered uncertainly. "This is Doug." came the reply. My stomach fluttered just like it had that night in Lacey. "Well hello Lt Hague!" I said smiling. "Actually.. its Captain now. They hand rank out like candy these days." was his insincerely humble response. And it just worked. We talked as if we'd always known each other.. and when it was time to get off the phone, I felt refreshed. Like something good, and clean had just washed over me.

And so as I sat on my couch that night.. watching the fire and thinking of the mess that I was in, I smiled to find a new email from someone who was becoming a good friend. We.. after all had our tendency to drown our sorrows in common, and so he didn't judge. I opened it to find an invitation to get on Yahoo Messenger with him. Thus far, our conversations had been confined to emails (although that had started coming nearly every day) and just that one phone call. I thought.. that at one in the morning .. there was positively nothing I would rather do. And so.. I signed in. I waited.. and in just a little bit, was pleasantly surprised to find a "hey beautiful" pop up on my screen. And so it began in earnest. We flirted, and we talked. And after just a little bit.. decided that the computer wasn't nearly as much fun as hearing each other's voices.. and so he called. This became a nightly routine. I would put my girls to bed. I would open a bottle, and sign into messenger, and around one every morning.. just as he would get off shift, he would sign in. We would pretend that it was just going to be a quick conversation but soon he would call, and before either of us knew it, the sun was starting to come up and I would have to let him go so that I could wake Tessa up for school.

Those weeks were like a blur. I just knew that if I could get through the day.. I would have a quiet night to look forward to. Another night in front of my fire with the most pleasant company I had ever enjoyed. And as time passed.. I didn't even realize that I had traded in the bottle for a cup of tea or coffee. As time passed, I realized that things were different than I had imagined. The struggle that I was fighting within myself about my decision to end my marriage became less of a struggle. Doug was a dear friend, and the first example of a good man I had ever known. He was honest. He was kind. He was real, and unspoiled. We were both broken, and I knew this. Neither of us were ready to commit to one another, neither of us were over the loss of our marriage. But I found in Doug a hope that I had been unable to find before. I realized, through him, that there were good men. Not men who were good to your face because it was what you wanted to see. But men who were good when no one was looking. I didn't think that Doug and I would ever get this far. I just knew that I had found something that was real. I knew that this type of man existed. And that even though Doug and I would probably never make anything of our growing bond, there were men out there who were good. And that gave me hope for a future. Not just for me, but for my precious girls.

And so, one night in early December I told my husband that I was filing for divorce. And I knew that it was right.